Have you ever had days where you feel like you’re on the edge of bawling your eyes out but you don’t really know why? If you don’t know what I’m talking about, I envy you. If you are nodding your head at the screen because you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about, I feel ya, sister. That’s how my day went on Wednesday.
My day started out like it always does. I drug myself out of bed silently kicking and screaming on the inside (I’ve never been a morning person, y’all) and headed to the shower. I wouldn’t even say I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, the day just had a different feeling to it. I headed off to work, which has been exceptionally trying this year, and as the day progressed it was as if all the tiny things that happened throughout the day each put a pebble onto my emotional scale, slowly but surely weighing me down and tipping the scale down towards ‘meltdown territory’.
After work I went home and flipped on the TV before I had to head off to my second job. I scrolled through the DVR and selected a recent recording of ‘Outdaughtered’. If you’ve never heard of this show it is about a young couple, Adam and Danielle Busby, their daughter Blayke, and their QUINTUPLETS. Yeah, 5 of them, and ALL girls at that. I’ve been following their story long before they were ever on TV. I have spent a lot of time reading blogs of other women who struggle with infertility and Danielle’s happened to be one of them. Their story started a lot like ours. They got married, after awhile decided they were ready for kids, tried, and tried, and TRIIEEEDDD, and nothing happened. They ended up doing IUI’s for over a year I believe before they got pregnant with their first. They decided they wanted a sibling for Blayke so they started IUI’s again and after only TWO MONTHS they got pregnant again, but this time with five!
As I sat there watching Danielle on TV with those 6 children of hers, I was happy for her, truly. All children are blessings but I find myself feeling a bit different over the pregnancies of couples who have struggled with infertility. I know the pain, the work, the money, the struggle of what they went through to get those beautiful children. But as I continued to watch I started to feel that emotional scale start to tip even further as the thoughts crept into my mind of “We may never experience anything like this. It is a very good possibility we will never see a positive pregnancy test, or a heartbeat on an ultrasound, or the excitement of feeling your baby kick.”
One of the side effects of this wonderful syndrome I have can be depression. I’ve been pretty fortunate as that side effect hasn’t really been a huge issue, but there are definitely times where I feel like everything is going wrong and I have completely and totally failed at life and I can’t dig myself out of it. Apparently Wednesday was one of these times... all of a sudden that scale broke, taking the flood gates with it and I lost it. It was as if every little thing that had gone wrong, every negative thought that I had had about work, and the future, and life that I had let creep into my mind over the past few months all became one huge rock that had now fallen and I felt completely crushed by it all.
I texted my dad who has always been a voice of reason in my life (whether I’ve always liked it or not is another story… hello high school), and you guys, I wish everyone had a dad who is as loving, and caring, and wise as mine. This is what he told me, “Your Creator and Heavenly Father knows the answers to your questions. He has a plan for you and has not forgot about you. Start asking Him to open and close doors and provide you peace in your heart. You have much to be grateful for. Try to dwell on what you have and are doing while you seek guidance on what may be next. Blessings dear daughter. Love you.”
If I thought I had been a mess before that message, you should have seen me after that. Crocodile tears… like the kind that drench your shirt, make your eyes swell, and make sure you can’t breathe for the next two hours. The part I needed to hear so desperately was this, “He has a plan for you and has not forgot about you.” What powerful words you guys! I think we all find ourselves, at some point in time, comparing our lives to those around us, wanting our lives to be as wonderful and TLC-miniseries-worthy as those who seem to have it all together. I have felt all too often over the past two years that somehow, that big God up there had forgotten about little me down here. “Have You not heard our unending prayers? Are You ignoring what You know are the desires of my heart? Why have You forgotten about us?!”
Isaiah 49:15b-16: “I will not forget you. See, I have engraved your name on the palms of my hands.”
And just like that, I felt peace.
Yeah, I’m still stressing about work, and finding something I’m passionate about, and what the next step in our infertility journey will be, but for the time being I’m ok. I’ve been reminded by both my fathers that I have not been forgotten, that there is a plan for my life, and I’m going to be ok.
Whether you believe there is a God or that the Bible is true know this:
You have not been forgotten, there is a plan for your life, and you’re going to be OK. Promise.