Adoption Application: SUBMITTED
*cue every single emotion, ever*
Tuesday afternoon at approximately 4:40PM, we made the first step that put us officially on the road to adoption. We submitted our application to the adoption consultant company.
How am I feeling? How am I not feeling may be the easier question. I’m feeling a lot of the same emotions I felt when we were going through the rounds of IUIs and IVF.
Happy. Scared. Hopeful. Nervous. Frustrated. Impatient. Questioning. Excited.
I am so excited that we are finally working towards something again. Like, actually taking steps and making moves to put this adoption into action. While we were doing treatments I felt like we were at least being proactive about things out of our control. I couldn’t make myself get pregnant but I could take every single possible step in my control to try and make it happen. We all know how that turned out…but I’m feeling those feelings again. And it feels good.
I am happy that we’re moving forward. Finally. I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
I am scared that we are moving forward. Will anyone choose us? What if they don’t like us? What if someone chooses us but then changes their mind before baby is born or, worse, what if they change their mind after we’ve met baby? I’m scared because I don’t know what to expect over the next year. I like to know what’s going on.
I’m hopeful. For what I feel are obvious reasons. I hopeful that there is an extremely happy ending at the end of all this.
I’m nervous. For may of the same reasons I’m scared. But I’m also nervous because, I’ll be honest, we’re not even close to having all the money we need for this adoption at this moment. Like, over $20,000 not even close. I’m nervous that we’ll include all the right pictures and say the right things in our profile book for the birthmoms. I’m nervous about speaking with prospective birthmoms. I’m nervous we won’t know what to say or won’t say the right things or articulate what we mean. I can write...talking is a different story.
I’m frustrated, and honestly downright mad, that there is so much hoopla that goes into an adoption. I’m mad that it costs so much. I’m mad that every single part of our lives will be picked over with a fine-toothed comb so someone that we will have met maybe 4 times can deem us worthy to parent or not. I’m mad that starting a family is SO.STUPIDLY.EASY for others and that it will be the hardest thing we will ever have to do. I’m mad that we will spend this child’s college tuition just trying to bring them home. I’m mad that we don’t get to experience the fun things other couples in our life do before their child comes home.
I’m impatient because we have tried for 5 years already to start a family and now we are in another waiting game that we don’t know the length of.
I question if we’ll be good parents. I’m sure everyone wonders this before they have kids. But this one is deeply rooted down in me. There’s part of my brain that lies to me and says that if we were meant to be parents, it would have happened. That maybe my infertility is natures way of keeping me from ruining some child’s life. Infertility causes craziness, didn’t you know? ; )
Most of all we are so EXCITED! We are hopefully within the year going to be bringing a baby home. A dream that has been years in the making will come to fruition and the realization of that is almost more than I can comprehend. I'm excited to know who this little one's birth mother is. I'm excited to know what this child will look like. I'm excited to meet them. I'm excited for the struggles that come with a newborn, as crazy as that sounds, because we have fought so hard to get here. I'm excited to love this little one and introduce them to all of you that have followed our story over the past few years. I'm excited to see how the rest of this story plays out. ❤
Unless you have gone through the adoption process, you probably dont know much about it. My hope is that we can be as transparent as possible throughout this process to shed light on how beautiful and hard and emotional and WORTH IT adoption is. I hope you'll stick around!